Today I’m sitting down with the irascible Podo Helmer—grandfather of the Igiby children and former Pirate—to ask him a few questions.
RT: First off, Podo, could you not scratch the polished wood floor with that … that horrendous looking peg-leg of yours?
PODO: Slimy as the bottom of the Blapp!
RT: Really, now, where have you been walking? Here’s a towel so you can clean up a bit.
PODO: (wipes floor and peg leg). Aye. That’ll help, for a little while at least.
RT: Hopefully longer than that, yuck! So now, I hear you and the Igibys have been doing a bit of sight seeing … any special place you all stopped by?
PODO: Fingap Falls!
RT: Wow, that must have been quite a visit! Kind of like Niagra, would you say?
PODO: It’s not as bad as I thought.
RT: Well, the travel brochures might need some work, I suppose. What with trolls and fangs and all! Hopefully they didn’t ruin your vacation, old chap. Tell me what you all did next—didn’t you have a nice walk along Glipwood forest, and that … err … rather nice river Blapp?
PODO: By the light of the Hanger Moon.
RT: Perhaps your dim conditions combined with your myopia caused you to get your peg leg … err … slimy. Did, mayhap, any daggerfish bite you?
PODO: Hardly a scratch, ye big baby!
RT: Really now! No need to call names, my dear man! But surely something injured you … I see your right shoulder’s all bandaged up.
RT: Oh my! You don’t say? Here, would you like me to pull that arrow out? That looks like it hurts.
PODO: No need to do anythin’ drastic.
RT: Well, you might say that, but what if it gets infected? We couldn’t have an old salt dog like you laid up while you have your family to care for. I really think I should take it out…
PODO: Aye. Sounds like our best option.
RT: (removing arrow while Podo yells) Pipe down, man! You’d think I was your tax-assessor!
PODO: And you’re the first one I aim to lay my teeth and me bushy eyebrows on.
RT: I’m not sure this interview is going as expected. If you don’t behave yourself, you’ll have to leave. Anyway, you’ve lost a lot of blood.
PODO: Old Podo’s not got much left in ‘im.
RT: Well, maybe a trip to the doctor can fix you up after our interview. So tell me, who shot you?
PODO: Thieves and killers.
RT: Right. Well now, how did you get away?
PODO: The tree!
RT: You must be very spry to be climbing trees at your age. How did you think of it?
PODO: I’m old and one legged, but I’m no fool.
RT: Well, don’t take offense—really, you can put your sword back. Podo, please, I didn’t mean to offend you. I guess this means our interview is at an end, eh?
PODO: That’s right.
RT: So, this is Robert Treskillard, signing off, hopefully not for the … gulp … last time. Podo, I hope you’ve … err … enjoyed our little interview?
PODO: We’ve wasted precious time.
RT: Right, well, you don’t have to jab me in the ribs so. Perhaps you might … no, no, not the plank! Anything but the plank! Please, there are sea-dragons down there. PLEASE!
p.s. Actually, I’m in the process of interviewing Andrew Peterson himself, and as soon as the interview is finished, I’ll post it here. So come back, probably next week, to see if I fare any better than with Podo Helmer. Hmmmmm…
Footnote: Podo’s quotes come from North! or Be Eaten, page 105, 59, 47, 66, 103, 66, 59, 98, 75, 103, 55, 89, 89, 103, 106, and page 47.